Workaholics
If the answer is yes to three or more of these questions then this is a relationship where one partner is a workaholic.
Workaholism is a progressive, fatal disease in which a person is addicted to the process of working.
Workaholics are in denial. They are dishonest, controlling, judgmental, perfectionistic, self centered, dualistic in their thinking, confused, crisis oriented, and ultimately spiritually bankrupt.
People can have unhealthy addictions, drugs, alcohol, tobacco – for workaholics the addiction is their work or career. Often they need the constant fix of the long hours of work, not realizing that what drives them isn’t the money or success, but the beliefs they hold. Often they are not choosing this life style but are ‘driven’ by it. They may believe that only they can do the job properly, or they believe they have to do more than others because they are one of life’s failures and of little worth, or worse still that others will make this judgment of them. Workaholism may be a sign of a person’s deep insecurity, of having their priorities out of order or of assuming that being a good provider will make up for other shortcomings in their behaviour.
Being a workaholic, they spend most of their lives working – at work or bringing work home. The train will become another office for them. Working, and thinking about work, means they often have little time for personal lives. They exclude relationships, family, hobbies, or relaxation completely from their lives, or push them down their list of priorities. Relaxation, if taken at all, is something to be ‘worked at’. Workaholics have failed to realize that having a balance in life is not just a preferable aspiration but is needed for overall mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health - for them and for those with whom they have a relationship.Putting in long hours isn't necessarily problematic. After all one gets the rewards of hard work - a fatter pay-packet, brownie points with the boss, satisfaction from your accomplishments. It's only when the daily grind eclipses other areas of life that it's time to stop and rethink your schedule, and how this is damaging to your partner and family.
Paying attention to how you're feeling away from work may offer the best insight. Try this test. On a scale from one to five, with five being most satisfied, rate you satisfaction with your relationship, your family life, friendships, health and hobbies. If your total is less than 10 points, it might be time to cut back on work.
Step back and look at your life. Are you sacrificing other areas because of the time and attention you spend on work? If you believe that the short term financial goal you are presently pursuing is more important than assuring a long-term relationship with your partner and children, you need to rethink your priorities. You might tell yourself that you are working to provide for your family and that work is a necessary part of life. It is, but there needs to be a balance between the time you spend on work and the time you spend with your partner and family.
Contrary to your fears, allowing yourself to become well balanced, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally means that everything you do is going to be positively affected. You will perform better at your jobs; you actually get more work done in less time and you will start to trust others to share the load with you. You will be able to enjoy less-stressed relationships with your loved ones, and finally you can enjoy the purpose, fulfillment and beauty of your life.
Paradoxically the workaholic has got to start to take on more! Quite simply they have to shoulder more of the responsibilities themselves for the home, the family and for the relationship. With any relationship come responsibilities and burdens. The workaholic who can’t share the burden at work often won’t share the relationship burden at home and in their personal life. The workaholic has got to begin to share.
We know that being a Workaholic doesn’t make someone a bad person, not selfish like a gambler, drinker or a drug addict. Often a workaholic can be a good provider. But the workaholic’s partner knows they, themselves, are missing out on their own life, and while they make excuses for the workaholic and for their inadequacies it can not go on. Excuses are made; first to oneself then to friends, then to parents, then to children; then to everyone, until eventually the workaholic’s partner can stand it no longer and either starts avoiding people altogether or seeks what they need elsewhere.
Do you find that you are always carping? Have you begun to admit that this person is no longer making you happy because of their behaviour? Has the loneliness sometimes become such a problem that you can stand it no longer? Does it seem that no matter how hard you try to explain it to your workaholic partner they don’t hear, won’t hear, or they claim to hear but it doesn't sink in? Are you so unhappy, but you don’t want to leave/lose the relationship, or to have an affair, just to lead a normal, happy, sharing life?
Don’t look for a shoulder to cry on. The sensible thing to do is to consult a relationship counselor like Absolute Discretion before your partner’s inability to deal with their work habits, lead to separation or divorce. If you can get your workaholic partner to attend too, so much the better.
The Japanese have recognised a condition called karoshi, "death by overwork" which is estimated to cause 1,000 deaths per year in employees under age 60.
In the Netherlands "leisure illness" is estimated to affect 3% of the population with affected workers becoming physically sick at weekends and during holidays as they stop working and try, in vain, to relax.
Workaholism is considered a "respectable addiction" with many in the UK and USA, though it is as dangerous as any other. Millions of Americans are affected, including many who do not even have jobs.
Workaholism is an addiction. It is an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it is not just about working hard, or putting in long hours when needed. Dr Bryan Robinson, one of America’s leading researchers called his book on the disorder Chained to the Desk, an apt description of corporate workaholism.
Working hard benefits both employers and employees but non-workaholic workers generally have some balance in their lives.
The difference is that while they sit at their desks they occasionally think about golfing. When the workaholic is on the golf course they are thinking about work.
This obsession with work is all-consuming, which prevents workaholics from maintaining healthy relationships, or from recognizing that they need to take measures to protect their health.
Workaholics may have children, but they miss sports days and school plays when they don't have to. It is not because they have to be at work but because they feel they need to be. They neglect their health and ignore their friends and family. They avoid going on holiday so they don't have to miss work. And even if they do holiday, they aren't fully present because their mind is still on work.
As with any other addictions there is often a lack of understanding as to how their condition affects themselves and others, only realising their problem when something catastrophic happens - their health completely fails or their marriage or relationships are destroyed.
Often workaholics tend to seek out jobs that allow them to exercise their addiction. The workplace itself does not create the addiction any more than the pub creates alcohol addiction, but it does enable it. Workaholics tend to seek high-stress jobs to keep the adrenaline rush going.
This is true even if they don't work outside the home.
More women are now seen as being workaholics, perhaps because women are more visible in the workplace. Even before this trend, workaholic women were doing this in the home. What is seen as obsessive household behavior may sometimes be better understood as workaholic activity. For some it could be in them devoting themselves to parenting to the point where there is nothing else to balance their lives, no hobbies, no fun or spirituality. The resulting isolation from friends and partner can be similar to that experienced by male workaholics.
In some families parents constantly trot out the work ethic and warnings of what befalls those who do not work hard enough. A child may not understand the context or the degree of these imperatives and become overly fearful about meeting expectations and the danger of failure
For others the seeds of workaholism were planted in a childhood and in a family experience that results in low self-esteem that carries into adulthood.
Many workaholics are the children of alcoholics. Damaging as workaholism can be, the adult child of a childhood depleted by a workaholic father often follows the same path. Or come from some other type of dysfunctional family, and work addiction is an attempt to control a situation that is not controllable. Children of parents wth emotional problems are often put on the path to workaholism when they must become responsible for their siblings, housework and sometimes even those checked-out parents. Kids learn that it's much easier to focus on tasks than to deal with painful feelings, a kind of avoidance that's often carried into adulthood. Workaholism is closely correlated with an inability to be intimate, and many only recognize their workaholic traits when their close relationships are falling apart.
Those who are born achievers are more likely to morph into workaholics. They will have been praised at home and at school and sometimes carry a secret guilt in that they found it easy to do better than their fellow, a guilt that drives them to overt shows of work.
Some workaholics are the products of ‘needing to look good families' where parents tend to be perfectionists and expect unreasonable success from their kids. Having grown up thinking that nothing is ever good enough some just throw in the towel, but others say, 'I'm going to show I'm the best in everything, only then will my parents approve of me.' The problem is, perfection is unattainable, whether you're a kid or a successful professional. Anyone who carries this need to achieve perfection is susceptible to workaholism. Perfection is a finish line that is never crossed because it keeps moving farther away, and the person’s the workaholic is trying to impress are often long since dead.
Strange as it may seem, because the drive force is flawed, the workaholic often makes for a poor employee or an ineffective employer. Never feeling completely trusted themselves, they often do not trust those around them. And being subject to feelings of being watched or judged as inadequate they can be seen as very interfering and judgmental of their fellow workers.
Accordingly the workaholic often does not achieve the amount of actual work they imagine for the hours put in and can render the whole workplace less effective.
Overall, workaholics tend to be less effective than other workers because it's difficult for them to be team players, they have trouble delegating to or enabling co-workers, or they take on so much that they aren't as organized as those around them.
There are Several Recognisable Workaholic Styles
The bulimic workaholic feels the job must be done perfectly or not at all (classic black and white thinking) . Bulimic workaholics often have difficulty in getting started on projects, for fear of not meeting his own impossible expectations, and then scrambles (binges) to complete it by deadline, often frantically working to the point of exhaustion -- with sloppy results. Low self-esteem leads those who suffer from this style to worry compulsively about work, while blaming themselves constantly for not doing it.
The relentless workaholic is the adrenaline junkie, taking on more work than can possibly be done. In an attempt to juggle too many balls, they often work too fast, become careless and are too busy to achieve good results. These types don't have problems getting started; it's the stopping they have trouble with. They can't say "no," set priorities, boundaries or delegate responsibilities.
The attention-deficit workaholic often begins full of enthusiasm and works flat out, but fails to finish projects. Often before they have finished one task their interest has moved on to another project. They often savour the excitement of the "brainstorming" (the thrill of the chase) aspects but get easily bored with the necessary details, and don’t have the commitment for the follow-through, so despite being eternally busy they achieve little.
The savouring workaholic is slow, methodical, and overly scrupulous in everything they attempt. If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well is their mantra. They are obsessed with detail to the point of paralysis and often have trouble letting go of projects and don't work well with others. These are often consummate perfectionists, holding up the work of others dependent on their work, frequently missing deadlines because it's not perfect. Because it is hard to criticise this aim for perfection the savouring alcoholic causes frustration in those around them. They will often create additional work whenever close to finishing a task, telling them-self that no one could do it as well. If I don't do it, it won't be done right.
Some
* Denial --first defense of any addictive process -tricky because they may boast about it
* Self-Esteem problems -they may have over or under inflated perceptions of themselves
* They may be dishonest by exaggerating achievements and minimizing failures
* External Referencing--looking outside yourself for clues to how to act or what to feel
* They often are focused on the outside environment or on lists
* Inability to relax -- They often run on hyper-adrenaline.
* Obsessiveness -- They are always thinking about work - while in bed , driving, visiting, etc.
* Other less common characteristics: Dishonesty, Self-centeredness, Isolation, Control, Perfectionism, Self-Abuse, Lack of Intimacy, Physical and Psychological Problems, and Spiritual Bankruptcy.
Workaholics of all styles are generally terrible team players since they try to control other people and control information. They allow crisis situations to develop because it makes them look like a hero. The end result is that workaholics are often not getting much accomplished. Perhaps more bosses would do well to reward those who clock out at the end of the day. The employee who wants to go home is the one who will be most efficient during the week, because they are protecting their home time.
Cut the electronic contacts.
Eat lunch out of the office without answering your mobile. No laptops in bed or at the table. No e-mail over weekends or holidays.
Prioritise both work and home.
Learn to decide what must come first. It's a way to recognise that some things in life simply are more important than others.
Tame your to-do list.
Set a cutoff for the number of tasks that can reasonably be accomplished in a day-no more than five. If a new task must be added, knock another off that demands equivalent time. And schedule in time for partner, home, family and play.
It really comes down to recognizing a need for balance in your life. Working hard is great, but you need to be able to turn if off and to enjoy the other parts of your life -- friends, family, hobbies, and fun.
Perhaps because they make themselves so prominent in the workplace, many companies often confuse workaholics for hard workers. This just enables them on their path to self-destruction. Companies don’t cause workaholism, but they certainly support it by their actions and they often reward it to the point of burnout or family destruction.
What can be done? Counseling is often recommended for workaholics, and support groups, such as Workaholics Anonymous, are beneficial, say the experts.
“If you have to be one of those people who are addicted to work, then you should make working on your relationship your first fix every day.”
* Multiple Addictions - especially money, food, and relationships --life long process
* Denial --first defense of any addictive process -tricky because they may boast about it
* Self-Esteem problems -they may have over or under inflated perceptions of themselves
* They may be dishonest by exaggerating achievements and minimizing failures
* External Referencing--looking outside yourself for clues to how to act or what to feel
* They often are focused on the outside environment or on lists
* Inability to relax -- They often run on hyper-adrenaline.
* Obsessiveness -- They are always thinking about work - while in bed , driving, visiting, etc.
* Other less common characteristics: Dishonesty, Self-centeredness, Isolation, Control, Perfectionism, Self-Abuse, Lack of Intimacy, Physical and Psychological Problems, and Spiritual Bankruptcy.
Read each of the 25 statements below & decide how much each one pertains to you. Using the rating scale of 1 (never true); 2 (seldom true); 3 (often true); and 4 (always true), put the number that best fits you in the blank beside each statement.
1. _____ I prefer to do most things myself rather than ask for help.
2. _____ I get very impatient when I have to wait for someone else or when something takes too long, such as long-slow moving lines.____
3. _____ I seem to be in a hurry and racing against the clock.
4. _____ I get irritated when I am interrupted while I am in the middle of something.
5. _____ I stay busy and keep many "irons in the fire".
6. _____ I find myself doing 2 or 3 things at one time, such as eating lunch & writing a memo, while talking on the telephone.
7. _____ I overly commit myself by biting off more than I can chew.
8. _____ I feel guilty when I am not working on something.
9. _____ It is important that I see the concrete results of what I do.
10. _____ I am more interested in the final result of my work than in the process.
11. _____ Things just never seem to move fast enough or get done fast enough for me.
12. _____ I lose my temper when things don't go my way or work out to suit me.
13. _____ I ask the same question over again, without realizing it, after I've already been given the answer once.
14. _____ I spend a lot of time mentally planning & thinking about future events while tuning out the here & now.
15. _____ I find myself still working after my co-workers have called it quits.
16. _____ I get angry when people don't meet my standards of perfection.
17. _____ I get upset when I am in situations where I can not be in control.
18. _____ I tend to put myself under pressure with self-imposed deadlines when I work.
19. _____ It is hard for me to relax when I'm not working.
20. _____ I spend more time working than on socializing with friends, on hobbies or on leisure activities.
21. _____ I dive into projects to get a head start before all the phases have been finalized.
22. _____ I get upset with myself for making even the smallest mistake.
23. _____ I put more thought, time, & energy into my work than I do into my relationships, with my spouse, (or lover) and family.
24. _____ I forget, ignore or minimize important family celebrations such as birthdays, reunions, anniversaries or holidays.
25. _____ I make important decisions before I have all the facts & have a chance to think them through thoroughly.
Add up your scores.
25-54 = Not Work addicted
55-69 = Mildly Work addicted
70-100 = Highly Work addicted
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If you need workaholic psychotherapy, workaholic counselling or are a workaholic in Oswestry, Shropshire, Clwyd or Powys, why not make contact for help?
"Work Addiction - Hidden Legacies of Adult Children", by Bryan E. Robinson, Ph.D.(1989) Florida: Health Communications,Inc.
“Burdened Children: Theory, Research and Treatment of Parentification”
By Nancy D. Chase. Sage Publications
“Working Ourselves to Death - And The Rewards of Recovery” By Diane Fassel,(1990) N.Y.: Harper Paperbacks
If you or your partner are self employed we would also ask you to help us by completing a confidential online survey on the affects of self employment on couple satisfaction. All answers are confidential. Please go to www.surveymonkey.com/K7WWK52 (if the link does not work first time please type it in manually