What about the Children! Divorce, Separation and Co-Parenting
For anyone facing divorce, or recently divorced, the prospect can be very daunting, but especially so if you are a parent. The challenge and difficulty of the experience is multiplied by the number of children involved, and further complicated where the family includes children from a former relationship - yours or your ex-partner's. The pain, the frustrations and the guilt is multiplied to a further level for every extra child involved.
However the present situation came about, you are an adult and eventually you will find a strategy for coping, but as a parent one of your biggest fears will be that this divorce or separation will cause irreparable damage to the children. It seems so unfair that they, the innocent, should be made to suffer. It is only human for you to feel for them, but it is important that you do not use them and their hurt as a pawn in the end-game with your partner.
For a child 'the family' is still mum, dad and their siblings, and it is worth striving to make sure that the end of your relationship with your partner doesn't mean the end of 'the family'. You may not believe it at the moment but even after your break-up it is possible for you two to remain good parents, together raising children who are healthy and happy kids. Many parents do manage this even when they can no longer be friends.
Received wisdom is that all children will suffer immediate trauma and have long-lasting psychological damage but this need not be the case. A ten year study of divorce by Judith Wallerstein suggested that almost half the children (44%) going through divorce experienced few long term problems. (41% were thought to have experienced problems as a result ot the break-up and with the other 15% it was unclear)
The real conclusion that we can draw is that it is not the divorce itself that traumatises the children but something else. This other factor is the parents and how they act and react before, during and after the split that is making the difference.
If parents show that they are caring about, and continue to care for the children, and they act, both separately and together, to shield the children from the conflict then the children are shown to fare better. It seems that it is the way that you and your ex-partner handle the separation/divorce transition and how you handle and express your emotions that will have the most effect on the children's well-being rather than the split itself. A child going into this psychologically strong is more likely to come out the other side OK.
At the end of a relationship many people's reaction is to try to exclude the ex-partner and their memory from their life and thoughts so as to be able to move on, but this cannot be done when you have children. Your children are a link between you that lasts a lifetime so you need to find a way to remain, if not friends, then partners in the enterprise of raising your kids.
So remember that children are not adults and they have an investment in both of you. Don't drag them into the arguments or the blame. Don't try to draw them in on your side or rehearse your arguments or badmouthing in front of them. Don't saddle them with guilt or make it difficult for them to relate to the other or to a new person who may have come into your partner's life. Don't make them keep secrets or tell lies just to save hurting you, and certainly don't make them choose sides. Let them know they have the right to love you both as much now as when you were together.
You can also help by maintaining the children's familiar routines and as much as possible their usual environment. The establishment of some kind of transition ritual will make it easier for them to come and go between you and your separate homes. Cooperation between parents is the secret to their wellbeing, and some kind of mediation can be more helpful than the power of the courts. Custody and other arrangements may need to be spelled out, but these should be as flexible as possible to deal with each parent's commitments - work, school, unexpected emergencies etc, even the demands on one or both partners of a new relationship.
And, last but not least, there are likely to be several other people greatly affected by what is going on for you. Your kids are not just children but are also grandchildren. Excluding grandparents from your children's lives may be almost as traumatic for them as the loss of the 'family' at home. Sometimes the bitterness that cannot be shown to the leaving partner is turned onto the grandparents. Don't let it happen, even if you see them as having contributed to your problems. Remember there are many rites of passage celebrations to come during your child's life where they will want both of their parents and their grandparents to attend. (naming ceremonies, birthdays, graduations, coming of age, marriages, births, deaths, etc.) Don't exclude them or get manoeuvred into excluding yourself from these events. If you let the grandparents share in the joy of your children then your children have the chance of a lot more joy in their lives. (Don't forget the aunts, uncles and cousins too.)
At Absolute Discretion Counselling Therapy we are trained couple counsellors with experience both of saving relationships and of helping irreconcilable couples through the painful separation process. We work with couples, individuals and with families. We have helped others - we can help you.
www.practicalparenting.com tells you where to get Vicky Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents.