- A transition as difficult as puberty - some even suggest it is a second puberty
- What is it and who is affected?
- The Mid Life Crisis Feelings
- What Else is Going on?
- Is it a Man's Thing?
- What's to be Done?
What is it and who is affected?
You will find there is nothing cliched or trite about the 'experience' of having a 'midlife crisis', no matter whether it happens to you, or someone you love. Many middle aged men and women who have gone through a divorce will report that this came about because their spouse seemed to have changed overnight, and became someone who discarded all that was once important to them for a new life that was all about what they wanted. This element of apparent selfishness replacing responsibility seems to be a feature of the way the 'midlife crisis' is 'acted out' by some people, and which leads to major upheaval and family splitting change.
A midlife crisis is usually experienced between the ages of 40 and 60, being first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung, and it is considered to be a necessary and normal part of the maturing process in the development of both men and women. For most people there will be some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might involve reviewing past successes and failures, and cause one to take stock of where one is in life, and to begin to make some needed adjustments to the way life is lived. Most people seem able to deal with the transition gradually and to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.
But for some a midlife crisis is more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time for them, emotionally, leading to depression and the need for counseling and psychotherapy. And for their families it can mean facing major unforeseen and unwanted life changes, even the end of their relationships with the affected person
The Mid Life Crisis Feelings
The midlife crisis can become an almost intolerable experience and for those having a hard time with this transitional stage the following feelings may be experienced:
Lacking direction, lost and 'all at sea'
Regret at lost opportunities, unfulfilled potential.
Unhappiness with life, and with the lifestyle that may have given them with happiness for many years.
Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
Feeling a need for adventure and change.
Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
Confusion about what they are worth, who they are and where they are going.
Anger at their partner, including blaming them for making them feel tied down.
Inability to make, or stick to, decisions about where they want to go with their life.
Feelings of doubt they ever loved their partner and resentment over marriage or commitments made.
A strong and irresistible desire to have a new and passionate, intimate relationship.
Feeling this is the last chance. If I don't 'escape' now I never will.
What Else is Going on?
Most people get through this but those who have a very difficult time during midlife leading to them going into crisis mode do so because of other concurrent, and usually external factors. The existential concerns of freedom/responsibility, isolation, death and meaning are often experienced at times of major change, loss or moral dilemma, highlighting the uncertainty of the human experience So some may already be experiencing high levels of stress in their life that makes the 'normal' transitions more difficult, or they may have childhood issues that, never having been resolved and dealt with, come to the surface during this time.
Some of the external factors that may cause this 'time of life' to be problematic are:
Debt:
It has become easier to accumulate debt due to the availability of credit cards and loans, particularly in mid life with a house as collateral and it is easy to find yourself with large over draughts and loan repayments. We live in a society where it is commonplace to be living above our means. Finding yourself middle aged, in debt and facing retirement can add stress to an already stressful time in life. A normal reaction would be to talk about it and to seek professional financial help. A person who is finding it difficult emotionally during midlife might find it easier to walk away from their family in order to rid themselves of what they feel is the cause of all the debt.
Significant Loss:
The death of a parent or close family member can cause grief, which is difficult enough to come to terms with, without having to also cope with the feelings of a midlife transition. Put the loss of a loved one with the feelings that accompany midlife and the whole process becomes bewildering and overwhelming. Loss of a career can be felt as badly as loss of a person, as can loss of health, virility or prestige.
Avoidant Personality:
If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self esteem they will find midlife transition harder to navigate. This personality type has a deep fear of feeling shame and rejection. Such feelings will keep them from seeking help should their emotions become overwhelming. More than likely, they will run from their problems instead of trying to find solutions to them. It's this personality type that normal ends up in divorce court during midlife. Whether there are external factors that make the process more difficult or not, there is an internal process that is gone through. If a person lacks understanding of the process, then they may find themselves making irrational decisions that they may later regret. Decisions such as leaving a job, divorcing their spouse and throwing away the security that they have built up during the first part of their life.
Is it a man thing?
Until recently it was mainly men who were seen to have a midlife crisis, perhaps because a woman going off the rails was seen to be menopausal and the hormones were blamed. More recently we are seeing the emancipated women of the sixties and seventies generations who have had equality with men are displaying the behavior of the mid life crisis.
What's to be done?
In some ways we need to model our approach on the way society deals with teenagers. We know teenage is a transition that everyone goes through with greater or lesser pain, unhappiness and disruption. We all make allowances for the selfishness exhibited, parents because we love our children, everyone else because they have been there too. Everyone who has been through the midlife years will have experienced some of the feelings listed above. If we didn't give way to them it was because of our own individual psyche, our upbringing and the understanding strength of our partner and family. Partners must be on the lookout for the signs of distress and inability to cope in our partners and be ready to be supportive rather than critical. Seeing the problem developing is the most important thing. Get advice and guidance. Get couple counseling so you can show your supportive love.
Get counseling for your partner if they are going through a difficult time. Get it for yourself if you recognize the signs, and get relationship or family counselling too as it affects everyone around you. The easiest way out of the dilemma of the midlife crisis is to properly evaluate who and where you are and the value to you of those around you. When some one thinks they are at the point where it is their last chance for happiness they should believe it's true. Their present relationship provides their most likely chance for a happy future. Show this article to your partner and ask them to read it, and then to sit down with you and have a reasoned, non critical discussion about where the two of you and your family need to go next.
Many people who are going through a difficult stage during the mid stage of their life, whether recognized as a mid-life crisis or not, find it hard to talk to anyone about it. The help of a good counselor such as Absolute Discretion Counselling Therapy can be invaluable. It is a safe place to talk about your hopes and fears.
If you or your partner are self employed we would also ask you to help us by completing an online survey with Hull University on the affects of self employment on couple satisfaction. All answers are confidential. Please go to www.surveymonkey.com/K7WWK52 (if the link does not work first time please type it in manually).