That general feeling of high self worth on the one hand or a pervasive sense of not feeling good about oneself on the other is what we mean by 'high' or 'low' SELF-ESTEEM. Following the publication of Nathaniel Branden's The Psychology of Self-Esteem in nineteen sixty nine, the idea that high self-esteem is essential for happiness and success has become an accepted norm both in psychological and everyday circles. It makes sense to us all that people who feel good about themselves will be happier and more likely to succeed in all parts of their lives, school, career, and in their relationships. Likewise, it also seems reasonable that people with a low opinion of themselves are more likely to fail in all areas of their lives and to lead unhappy lives. So with high self-esteem being such a valuable commodity you may wonder how it is acquired by those who have it, and while others fail to get any of this priceless commodity. And is it worth trying to improve the level of self esteem to find success and happiness?
There is no one definition but it is a combination of several factors. It includes self-confidence, such as trusting one's own judgement and intuition; not feeling judged, such as not always needing to look over one's shoulder or ask other's opinions; self-respect, reasonable assertiveness, the belief that one is a worthwhile human, an individual, loved and worthy of the love and respect of others.
It is believed by psychologists that it is not preordained and that no one of us is born with a level of self-esteem already in place. Rather, each has the potential to acquire or develop it. One's sense of self begins to develop in infancy and it is largely influenced by the relationship with parents or other primary caregivers, those significant others around the infant who show us unconditional love. With good-enough parenting, one ideally grow up believing oneself to be lovable, worthy being whose basic needs for sustenance and comfort can and will be met. It is thought that it is the unquestioned meeting of needs by significant others that engenders self-respect. If children are given opportunities to think for themselves, make mistakes and learn from them, as well as receiving praise acknowledgement for accomplishments, this instills self-confidence. The balance of being able to do things for oneself while feeling supported if they go wrong rather than criticised is what helps make one sure of oneself and not feel 'watched' or 'judged'.
Unfortunately, many children don't get this unconditional love and support, or don't learn the lessons that trial and error in a supportive surrounding can provide. Many adults coming for counseling lack basic self-respect and self-confidence, and one of the tasks of therapy is to build their self-esteem.
While feelings of low self-esteem are often established and accepted by a person during infancy, for others their self esteem has been good but is undermined or eroded in later life, leaving them feeling defeated. Many parents have witnessed their children seemingly to go into a decline during school years, only later to learn that this was due to bullying. Bullying is an attack on self-esteem.
Often one partner in a couple coming to us for counseling complains of being controlled, to feel unappreciated and unloved. Although their partner may help provide the basics of their life together they have undermined or eroded the other's self-esteem. Controlling is an attack on self-esteem. Criticism, contempt and making people feel unworthy in any relationship is an attack on self-esteem. Ignoring the other, leaving them out of the family or social loop, withholding support and refusing to discuss problems are all attacks on self-esteem.
One begins by learning how to give oneself the acceptance and encouragement, the nurturing and the support, which were missing during childhood - giving one self unconditional love. It has been called "re-parenting one's inner child". On one's own this can be challenging, there will be set-backs and it will take a long time. With low self-esteem comes the doubt that one is valuable and lovable to anyone, even one self and this is why getting support and encouragement from others really helps.
Studies conducted on the affects of self-esteem on life experience concluded that it's not proven that having high self-esteem will lessen a tendency toward violence, or deter teenagers from indulging in alcohol, tobacco, drugs and sex, nor does it improve academic or job performance. And while levels of self-esteem do seem to predict or dictate happiness levels, both self-esteem and happiness are subjective states of mind. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, self-esteem and happiness mean different things to different people, only you know if you are esteemed or happy. Each of us must decide for our self how we answer the following:
Do I feel worthy of love and respect?
Do I have confidence in my self and my attributes and abilities?
Do I generally feel happy?
Do I have anything to offer others in my life or the workplace?
If you answered no to any of the questions above you may like to read a self-help book as the first step to change. (while we do not sell books you may find what you want in our Helpful Books Section) Many people find they are encouraged by the help and reflective comment of others, and benefit from some supportive coaching and counseling to provide self-esteem enrichment, and rebuilding of their undermined and eroded self-esteem.
Contact Margaret Pearson or Denis Sharp at ABSOLUTE DISCRETION COUNSELLING THERAPY on 01691682124