We Believe
At Absolute Discretion Counselling Therapy we believe that it is always worthwhile trying to save a relationship. If it is really too late then the article below will help you to bear the pain and to get through it without losing your kids and your mind as well as your partner.
MEN: Divorce And Seperation
If you believe Men are from Mars then you think men are logical creatures who want everything in place and who need to find explanations and to find cures and to give advice. Men like to know the facts, like to stay in control and keep things in check, particularly their own emotions. So it is not surprising nothing comes near to divorce or separation to shake the whole foundations of a man's world.
A man's first impulse is to get things in order and himself in check.
When a man finds his wife or partner has left he does not want to show his feelings, he wants his partner to think he's OK, even when in reality he's are falling apart. Thinking there's half a chance of getting her back, and wanting his partner back, a man may decide the thing to do is to tell his partner that he's fine. and, he is coming to terms with things. In truth the man is probably not fine at all and is finding it extremely hard to cope with the situation. Women, coming as they do from Venus, see right through this ploy. Men often fail with this bravado of saying they are OK and the partner sees through the act which will make her not trust anything the man says from then on. Now she'll doubt everything the man says, if she didn't before, and for good reason. If the partner doesn't want to come back no amount of lying will work in the long run. If she is 'tricked' in any way into coming back, what good is that, because she's there on false pretences. This is how it is if she returns because she feels sorry for the man, she feels enen more confused or manipulated. A man may try to get his partner back and no one will blame them for trying, and it is not always too late. But when it is, then there is little point in the man pretending he isn't hurt. That just closes off his chances of help from friends, and while it doesn't get her back, it does make her realise at last that even if he didn't show his feelings before, that they did and do exist. It helps to keep the line of communication with the ex-partner that can be helpful in dealing with the painful unravelling of the couple's affairs. What men must come to realise is that along with their partner they have lost all of that which has become familiar over the years Often the seperation or divorce will involve children, who most often remain with their mother, and the man will miss them too. On top of this the man now has a divorce to deal with, plus the job, the mortgage and the worries about the future. A separate second home costs a fortune, while the man has to meet most of the cost of his children while trying to start all over again. Seperations lead to divorce and the process of divorce is like a roller coaster ride that once you have started you can't get off. There will be times when it seems things are getting sorted and life is moving on, only to be followed by the unexpected onset of the blues, and like with a 'manic depressive' the mood changes from euphoria and energy to depression and exhaustion. Things go around and around in a brain filled with things needing to be sorted, made worse by something said or done by the partner the last time they were spoken to. The worries fill the waking day interupting concentration at work, and rob the night of sleep. This all adds to the stress and depression following the breakup.
What should the man do to make this time bearable?
First he should get away from his ex partner. If he has children he needs and should see them, but not at the home of the partner. He see them out of the house, perhaps at his parents, at a friends, in the park, anywhere but not where she is. It will only lead to the man begging to be taken back, to arguments or to setting his recovery back to square one. He should enjoy his time with the children and if he can't say anything positive about their mother he should do his best to say nothing while not making them feel they cannot talk about her, or about how they feel. Exercise in the fresh air not only will help lift the spirits but may actually give the quiet time to begin to resolve things while out walking or cycling. Long periods of exercise in the evening occupies the time and because it is physically tiring it helps with sleeping later. Many men have never meditated. A quarter hour each day trying to quieten the mind by focusing on breathing, not just the process but also how it feels - the expanion of the chest with each breath, in and out gives time for thoughts to come and go without the anger and hurt. Troubling thoughts that won't go away should be written down to clear the mind. Meditation and deep breathing are good for relieving stress, for both the brain and the body, and are good for the spirit too.
Men must realise it's time to move on
As thing begin to sink in it may be time for the couple to go to some form of mediation to arrive at a fair way to dissolve things. And to move forward in life and work out how things can best work effectively with and for thechildren. Councilling helps those who find they are unable to resolve their own issues, and consideration should be given to the future, for example, how will the parents in law fit into the new life ando what it is going to be like to deal with one's children's step parent. Men should try to avoid mud slinging throughout, and to avoid solicitors until able to agree to mediate a settlement. The courts costs a fortune, so it can be best to settle the divorce as quickly and simply as possible. Don't throw good money after bad with legal fees. It's best to be clear on what's fair, to be prepared to give and take in the negotiation and to listen to professional advice. Life must go on and while there is confusion and upset now there may come with it an opportunity for growth. As things get sorted and the dust settles it is time for men to be truthful with themselves and to look at their contribution to the end of the relationship. It may be too late to save this one but by learning the lessons men can avoid becoming serial exes.
If you are in the position of trying to save a relationship or of having to come to terms with one that is ending you can always seek the help of experienced relationship counsellors such as Absolute Discretion Counselling Therapy.