- Infidelity
- Abuse of Trusts in Relationships
- Why So Many Affairs
- Can Emotional Intelligence Prevent Affairs
- Your Feelings Are Yours - Use The 'I' Language
- Age Difference
- The Infidelity Need Not Win /a>
- The Internet - Is This Behaviour Infidelity?
- Suspicion and Jealousy
- Emotional Cheating
- Flirting Isn't Fun for Everyone
The cartoon below may seem quite humourous to anyone who has never been in the position of having a partner who cheats, but infidelity by either partner is not funny.
Adultery is no joke. Every day cheating men and cheating women destroy innocent lives. Affairs occur because selfish thrill-seekers lack communication skills.
INFIDELITY
While most people consider it a sin or a betrayal, some dismiss it as a part of human nature, and there are even people who suggest it a way of saving their relationships, would you believe. Infidelity or adultery are punished by many religions and generally frowned upon by society, yet severall different researches found that it is committed by as many as 50% of men and between 30 and 40% of women. One must wonder why there is this double standard and how far it is fair to punish a partner for being with a person outside the couple relationship. We take it as a truth that commited relationships are committed to emotional and sexual monogamy and exclusiveness. In The Unbearable Lightness of Being Milan Kundera writes:
"The first betrayal is irreparable. It calls forth a chain reaction of further betrayals, each of which takes us farther and farther away from the point of our original betrayal."
If you have experienced the trauma of infidelity you are not feel alone. Statistics show over 70 of married couples struggle with the fear of infidelity at sometime during the course of their marriage. Because of the shame and guilt associated with this issue it is hard to seek support, advice, and help from your friends and relatives. And yet without help, your chances of getting through the maze of recovery in the most expedient and constructive way are small, and often help may need to be in the form of a professional trained relationship counsellor to help the couple meet the challenge of rebuilding their life following infidelity.
Having a relationship outside of the couple is variously known as cheating, having an affair, messing around, adultery, infidelity, or breaking one's vows. By whatever name, it profoundly hurts the other person in what was previously a committed relationship. It is the single most hurtful and destructive thing that can occur in an emotional relationship or marriage. Because it is so devastating, it is quite often not handled very constructively in relationships.
In some cases, the best option for the wronged partner may be to end the relationship, for example where there have been multiple affairs, there is no genuine remorse, and no serious plans and prospects for recovery. But, while infidelity does not have to mean an end to the relationship, in some cases people may make that choice because they don't know what the options are. We expect that for a majority of cases of infidelity, not only can the relationship be saved but it can evolve into a stronger and more resilient and even more intimate relationship than before. However, this often requires some skillful facilitation from a counsellor trained in dealing with issues after the infidelity occurs.
Infidelity is a taxing and traumatic event for those involved. In particular for the violated partner, who will have to manage their depression, post traumatic stress, lack of sleep, weight loss, and a host of powerful emotions including frustration, despair, anger and sadness. Managing this will prove extremely challenging, and seeking outside sources of assistance is a wise move.
There are numerous books, CD's and internet forums aimed at the victims of infidelity , and of course councelling. The violated partner will find that using one, or all of the aids will help guide them back to a normal life, and in some cases will help keep the marriage/partnership together. Regardless of what decision is reached about whether too keep the relationship together or not, it will involve tremendous effort and healing will take a long time.
One of the most difficult aspects of infidelity is the sense of betrayal, of trust being violated. Of course, no one ever thinks that infidelity will happen to them, and that fact is a major contributor to the unfolding shock. And at such times of difficulty the person they would most likely seek out for support in other circumstances is the very one who has caused the distress.
Therefore, the violated partner will need the support of friends and family, and some find it helpful to talk about their relationship problems to 'safe' others at every available opportunity. Some lines of communication will be closed since 'friends-of-the-couple' often find they cannot get involved or choose sides. Yet the worst possible action is to keep all thoughts and feelings to yourself, which just adds to the tremendous stresses and confusion. As you talk to your various 'safe' friends and family, it will become clear that some will handle the situation better than others. You want someone who not only listens to your concerns but who can give impartial advice that will help move you forward to a beneficial outcome.
It is not uncommon in infidelity cases for many months to pass before any reasonable clarity can be gained, and even then there will most certainly not be a 'hallelujah moment'. This is a process where small steps can ultimately lead to the big changes in relationships. Many people involved in relationships overshadowed by infidelity find that these changes are virtually undetectable, but slowly, through time, they recognise that some improvements are beginning to appear.
There are numerous examples of successful relationship rebuilding after infidelity, and these must be grasped and considered as sources of hope. A quality life after infidelity is certainly possible, but it will take time, patience and great skill, particularly on the part of the violated partner.
But for relationships to become stronger following and as a consequence of the infidelity will involve considerable changes of maturity for both partners.
Abuse of Trust in Relationships
A recent study suggested that 4 in 10 men will cheat on their wives while the numbers of women cheating on their partners are on the increase too. After all, who are men in relationships having affairs with? They generally are with women who are themselves in relationships.
Why So Many Affairs?
Most of the articles in the press suggest the reasons for infidelity include:
- feeling devalued as a partner in the relationship
- lack of intimacy in the relationship
- revenge or "payback" (women overwhelmingly more than men will have an affair for this reason)
- feeling ignored or neglected
- not feeling attractive anymore
- deviant behavior (men more often than women can not say no to a past flame)
- angry at the partner
- not having enough sex
- partner is a sex addict
Most people agree that happiness, love and success are the best things in life. Creating these depend on the ability to create, foster and maintain great relationships. And creating, fostering and maintaining great relationships means having good communication skills. Skills that include a good emotional intelligence level that encompasses two main components: these are talking, and more importantly, listening.
Can Emotional Intelligence Prevent Affairs?
Most people start of a relationship well, but later they seem to forget what they need to do and complacency sets in.
Emotional intelligence involves the ability to note, recognise, control, and effectively communicate our own emotions to others, and, perhaps more importantly, to recognise the emotions of other people. Emotions that they may not articulate well or which you may miss if you become self-absorbed. Well-developed emotional intelligence skills provide a solid emotional foundation upon which to build strong relationships.
Every couple counselor will agree that the breakdown of effective communication is the first stage of relationship problems. More often than not, relationship problems and the desire to start seeking an affair is due to a breakdown in the skills of emotional intelligence.
Make no mistake the decision to have an affair is a choice. And as difficult as it may be, if a person is unhappy in their relationship, communicating their feelings in a respectful manner is essential in not becoming an adulterer. The unhappy person owes it to their partner to express to them their feelings.
Your Feelings are Yours. Use the "I"-language
"I feel taken for granted and not loved." "I feel that we aren't having as much sex as I would like." "I feel you don't appreciate what I do for you." "I miss the fun we used to have." "I miss the way we used to cuddle and be more intimate." Taking ownership of how you feel will get more mileage. Letting your partner know just how you feel is essential if you are to have a successful relationship.
It may be necessary to escalate the expression of your feelings if what you are respectfully communicating to your partner is falling on deaf ears, or if your partner is in denial. Don't back away from it, you have a right to express your needs just as they do. Laying your cards on the table is crucial, as difficult as this may be. Be honest, while not being threatening. "You will remember I have said that I'm not happy. I feel changes must happen, otherwise I'm feeling the urge to look elsewhere for my happiness."
No intimate relationship is going to be easy and working on a meaningful and successful relationship is very hard work, particularly when the stresses of life get in the way. The marriage vows of "till death us do part", a concept shared by most co-habiting couples too, are easy words to repeat, less easy to maintain if either party feels unloved. Practicing these vows is a life-long process and is the basis of the trust within the relationship.
Once trust has been damaged, a relationship can not be the same unless the violated partner is totally forgiving and is able to willing fully trust once again. This is a huge undertaking that few are able to make. When trust is broken it is difficult but not impossible for you to earn and to rebuild it. But it is best to remember before trust is broken that it can be easy to have an affair, while at the same times it' may not be easy to maintain a relationship. There's always a choice. Some Associated Ideas
Age Difference
While we accept no excuse for partners giving up on communication we must accept that some couples face problems relating to 'real-life' factors. For example, in relationships where there is an age difference of 15 to 20 years or more between partners, at some point, there is likely to be a disparity in the sex drives of the couple. This disparity could be a contributing factor to the slide into acts of infidelity. That is if it drives one party to seek sexual fulfillment outside the primary relationship. The relationships where the woman is the older partner may well be the most at risk.
With this age difference sometimes come lifestyle differences, differences in moral values, differences in attitudes to parents or children, even differences in seemingly minor things such as tastes in music, reading, or entertainment. This generation gap may eventually cause the couple to be unable to relate to each other in a meaningful way. One partner may begins to seek out members of their own her peer group to share more things in common it will inevitably lead to problems.
We accept that many marriages and relationships between men and women where there is an age difference do succeed, but this is because they have found ways to deal with what may be considered an adverse relationship feature. Women should think long and hard before entering into a relationship with a man who is considerably younger than herself since the greater the age difference, the greater the risk of infidelity. The advice must be to keep the lines of communication open and if you sense a distance developing between you, or you spot possible signs of infidelity, talk things through together so you can keep your relationship on track.
The Infidelity Need Not Win
Infidelity is a taxing and traumatic event for those involved. In particular for the violated partner, who will have to manage their depression, post traumatic stress, lack of sleep, weight loss, and a host of powerful emotions including frustration, despair, anger and sadness. Managing this will prove extremely challenging, and seeking outside sources of assistance is a wise move.
There are numerous books, CD's and internet forums aimed at the victims of infidelity , and of course councelling. The violated partner will find that using one, or all of the aids will help guide them back to a normal life, and in some cases will help keep the marriage/partnership together. Regardless of what decision is reached about whether too keep the relationship together or not, it will involve tremendous effort and healing will take a long time.
One of the most difficult aspects of infidelity is the sense of betrayal, of trust being violated. Of course, no one ever thinks that infidelity will happen to them, and that fact is a major contributor to the unfolding shock. And at such times of difficulty the person they would most likely seek out for support in other circumstances is the very one who has caused the distress.
Therefore, the violated partner will need the support of friends and family, and some find it helpful to talk about their relationship problems to 'safe' others at every available opportunity. Some lines of communication will be closed since 'friends-of-the-couple' often find they cannot get involved or choose sides. Yet the worst possible action is to keep all thoughts and feelings to yourself, which just adds to the tremendous stresses and confusion. As you talk to your various 'safe' friends and family, it will become clear that some will handle the situation better than others. You want someone who not only listens to your concerns but who can give impartial advice that will help move you forward to a beneficial outcome.
It is not uncommon in infidelity cases for many months to pass before any reasonable clarity can be gained, and even then there will most certainly not be a 'hallelujah moment'. This is a process where small steps can ultimately lead to the big changes in relationships. Many people involved in relationships overshadowed by infidelity find that these changes are virtually undetectable, but slowly, through time, they recognise that some improvements are beginning to appear.
There are numerous examples of successful relationship rebuilding after infidelity, and these must be grasped and considered as sources of hope. A quality life after infidelity is certainly possible, but it will take time, patience and great skill, particularly on the part of the violated partner.
But for relationships to become stronger following and as a consequence of the infidelity will involve considerable changes of maturity for both partners.
The Internet - Is This Behaviour Infidelity?
With the Internet comes a different world, a world where anyone can enter into areas we previously never dreamed possible. A decade ago who would ever thought it possible to pursue a relationship with someone, or even fall in love, sight unseen. Yet today it is exactly what is happening for many young, and not-so-young, over the Internet. There is nothing wrong with Internet dating, it can be a safer way to meet a mate than a pub or bar but there is an added danger when it effects an existing relationship.
New romances started over the Internet have broken up existing ones and Internet infidelity has been cited as a reason for divorce in many cases. It is the sign of a new trend in forming relationships and it has assumed a new importance in today's broken relationship numbers.
At first sight, chat rooms seem an innocuous way of passing a few minutes and making new innocent friends. There are some people (mostly the ones indulging in it) who adopt this point of view that it is harmless - after all you're just having a conversation with someone, nothing more. But is that all there is to it? There are others who believe that spending time, sometimes hours at a time, with another individual of the opposite sex, discussing personal details, even flirting or conversing with sexual undertones cannot be innocent. At the very least it is draining emotion from the primary relationship. Often there is a basic breach of trust in that the personal relationship is being discussed with all its supposed flaws.
And even the innocent chat room visit can escalate. Like an alcoholic or a substance abuser starts with a few drinks or a trial sniff, chatting and email can soon lead to exchange of photos, telephone calls and finally meetings. Leading very quickly to being a full-blown affair. For Internet infidelity geographical distance gives no boundaries, when those involved are willing to negotiate distances and to arrange secretly meetings hidden from their spouses' knowledge, to take the relationship one step further. Affairs regenerate and energise otherwise flagging individuals for their new enthusiasm.
Suspicion and jealousy
You may or may not be naturally a jealous person but if you suspect your partner is cheating on you with someone online you need to be extra vigilant and on guard. If you know they use the computer at a certain time, late at night say, try and ensure you are around at that time. While the chances are slim that they will indulge in it while you are actually hovering around sometimes people are careless.
If they leave the machine idle while away from the computer, you could press the "back" button to check on what they were last up to. Or by scrolling through sites visited on the browser you could also get an indication of any chatrooms they have visited. Other signs of possible internet infidelity are switching screens when you enter the room, this frantic mouse clicking is a sign of some sort of guit, demanding privacy when on the computer or even spending great amounts of time on the computer. It can not all be work related or war-games.
What can you do if you are certain that you are a victim of Internet infidelity? You might feel you want to have hard copy as proof of the infidelity before you make any accusations and there are various packages to aid electronic spying or sites that provide details on surveillance products. But what can you do with the concrete evidence of their Internet infidelity? You are in the same place as the partner who overhears a telephone call, checks their partner's mobile or opens their letters. You still have to face the task that probably led to this situation in the first place. You have got to start to communicate. If it is not too late, and too late means different things to different people, then get professional help with your relationship. See a good relationship counselor together at once.
Emotional Cheating
Intimacy Where There is No Actual Sex is Emotional Infidelity
Cheating is cheating and while emotional cheating can be difficult to conceptualise, the idea that 'It's not like a "real" affair (with intercourse)' or it's a "sort-of-but-not-really" affair (everything but the intercourse)' holds no water as an argument. While emotional infidelity doesn't necessarily break spoken vows, create unwanted pregnancies, or spread sexually transmitted diseases it is still cheating and a breach of trust. And while emotional cheating can't always be spotted in the traditional ways it can be as devastating to a marriage or partnership as any sexual unfaithfulness - if not more so. Determining the difference between harmless flirting and outright cheating is important for a healthy relationship and no partner should be afraid to express how worried they are about behaviour they feel is inappropriate..
It's fair to assume that the majority of people don't plan to be unfaithful, emotionally or physically so it is little surprise that emotional cheating often starts with casually chatting to coworkers or people who are seen regularly. But it can soon grow into a 'more than friends' relationship. Without really trying they are soon going for lunches, take business trips, or making special efforts to see the person to whom they have become attached. Increasingly they think about their friend more and more, until it becomes a definite emotional bond. It can be a question of luck as to whether the partner notices these signs of emotional cheating.
If this emotional infidelity is over the internet the "friends" may not yet have met although there can be little doubt that this is fantasised about. This means that relationships start to flourish as they would in public places, but now they can occur on the office computer or in private places, like one's own home. Emotional bonds can form and grow and emotional cheating can occur even when there is a coworker at the other desk or the family is in the same room.
Anonymity is a potential problem with on line cheating relationships and emotional infidelity and there seems to be greater intimacy because the participants feel anonymous. People feel free to share the deepest darkest parts of themselves, parts they are reluctant to share with others in person. These friends can be built up into the most wonderful, caring, smart, and funny people in the imagination because you haven't met. Not at all like the person at home who argues over dirty socks, disciplining kids, or getting lost in a new city together. It is a relationship that hasn't been tried or tested. The respondents may never meet but emotional cheating becomes a slippery slope when one is involved with a mysterious stranger and the cheater often feels empowered to treat their real partner as a second best unworthy of the time and affection they are giving to their friend.
Women are most often the ones to suffer from emotional cheating, but equally the 'other woman' is usually the one to push the relationship further. Women want the clandestine relationships to move from friendship to love, from computer to reality. It is the nature of women to get more emotionally involved and are more emotionally invested than men. Men on the other hand see the internet relationships not as emotional infidelity endangering their primary relationship but as a nicer part of their lives. Women in emotionally cheating relationships envision soul mates or life partners for themselves while men are just having fun. Occasionally the balance is reversed and there is always the scope for low key cheating to become a fully fledged emotional affair for both man and woman.
Emotional cheating happens when you:
- Discuss your partner and relationships with your "friend." You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy).
- Meet your "friend" for dinner or lunch without telling your partner.
- Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected.
- Hide or are secretive about your life, relationships, and activities.
- Keep your partner waiting while you spend time with your "friend."
- Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers.
Instead of assuming or vowing your partner's emotional infidelity will never happen to you, spend time with your partner. Have open and honest discussions about your relationship. Have fun together; the more you make your partner happy, the more likely he/she will reciprocate!
Don't forget what brought you together in the first place, it's so easy to forget why you fell in love. Emotional cheating can make you forget why you love your partner in the first place.
Flirting isn't Fun For Everyone
Often emotional cheating begins with innocent flirting. Flirting is fun and while it usually begins in innocence it's a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Flirting causes jealousy in the partner and it can put one into situations never intended. Flirting creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity. Don't flirt with your primary relationship.