Since it is our view that most of the problems in a person's life are the result of something that has been amiss in their relationships it is vital that each of us can affectively communicate our needs to those around us. Self Respect Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions and standing up for your rights is important for your personal wellbeing. You are your own first and biggest supporter, so it's important that you speak up for yourself. Whether your present behavior is unassertive (passive) or overassertive (aggressive), it is possible to change it. But it is also important to understand the difference between expressing yourself in a self-confident manner (this is being assertive) and forcing your ideas on others and intimidating them (this is being aggressive)
You will have met people who seem always angry, bullying and aggressive, this is because some people confuse assertiveness with aggression and think that to assert one self is to adopt a particular position in a disagreement, stand their ground and argue a point without compromise. In fact, being assertive means communicating your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a direct and honest manner, while at the same time being receptive to that person's needs and in so doing avoiding intentionally hurting anyone's feelings.
Assertiveness is the middle ground between aggression and passivity, avoiding being anyone's doormat or at the other extreme the use of bully tactics which are so destructive to relationships and, ultimately, to your self-esteem. You may well have already found that remaining passive may help you to avoid conflict, but the price paid includes feelings of helplessness and lack of control. Direct honest, confident, communication can reduce conflict, build your self-confidence and enhance your personal and work relationships. Anyone can learn the skills to be more assertive in your relationships.
The Advantages of Assertive Behaviour
The use of aggressive behaviours, such as implied or actual verbal or physical threats, may get you what you want in the short term, but your relationships will suffer. On the other hand, backing down and adopting passive behaviour can also ruin relationships, because your own needs, wants and feelings are ignored in favour of avoiding arguments.
The advantages to you and to those around you of using assertive behaviour in all dealings with others include:
Assertiveness is learned skill
Some people are 'naturally' assertive but for most people, like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn. Things to note include:
Remember we often convey more with our bodies than we do with what we say
Assertive Body Language
Despite your best efforts to be calm and direct, the other person will sometimes behave as if you're having an argument and will want to yell at you, criticize you and try to goad you into arguing or losing your temper.
Nobody wants their child to be aggressive, nor do they want them to be passive at the expense of their wellbeing or ability to make their way in the future without your support. An assertive child is more likely to stand up for their rights in an appropriate way and less likely to be bullied. You can teach your children how to act assertively. e:
Where to get help
Things to remember
So what doesn't work in relationship negotiations? The received wisdom supported by research suggest that good communication can improve relationships, increasing intimacy, trust and support, while poor communication can weaken couple bonds (and other relationships and working relations), creating mistrust and even contempt! Below we list some common examples of negative and even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate problems and conflict in any kind of relationship.
Avoiding Conflict Altogether:
Rather than discussing their increasing levels of frustration in a calm, respectful manner, some people refer to say anything to their partner until they're ready to explode, and then blurt out what they feel in an angry, hurtful way. While this may seem to be the less stressful route, intended to avoid an argument altogether, it usually causes more stress to both parties. Tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.
Being Defensive:
While aware there is a problem, rather than addressing a partner's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other's view point, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing. Instead they try to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. This defensiveness by denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but always creates long-term problems. Their partners don't feel listened to and the unresolved conflicts are left un-addressed and continue to grow.
Overgeneralising:
For overgeneralisers, when something happens they don't like, these people blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. This could be either partner. Overgeneralisers tend to start sentences with, "You always…" and "You never…", as in, "You always come home late!" or "You never do what I want to do!" Look at your own approach and think about whether or not these "you always…" statements are really true.
Raking Up The Past:
Of a similar nature to overgeneralising is raking up the past. Don't bring up past conflicts with the intention of throwing the current discussion off-track. It will stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict.
Being Right:
Is your viewpoint right? It's damaging to decide that there's a 'right' way to look at things and a 'wrong' way to look at things, and that yours is right and theirs is wrong. It doesn't have to be black and white. Don't demand your partner see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree. Remember that there's not always a 'right' or a 'wrong', and that two points of view can both be equally valid.
"Psychoanalyzing" / Mind-Reading:
Instead of asking about their partner's thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they 'know' what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions-and always assume it's negative! (For example, deciding your partner being late means they don't care enough to be on time, or that your partner denying sex means they are acting passive-aggressively when in reality they are just too tired.) This kind of mind-reading creates hostility and misunderstandings and prevents resolution of problems.
Forgetting to Listen:
Active listening means trying to understand their partner. Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of really listening or attempting to understand their partner. This not only keeps you from seeing the other's point of view, but also keeps the other from even wanting to see yours! Don't underestimate the importance to both you and the other of really listening and empathising with the other person!
Blaming and Shaming:
Some people's way to handle conflict is to criticise, blame or shame the other person for any situation that has arisen. These kind of people see admitting any weakness on their own part as an undermining or weakening of their credibility which they avoid at all costs. they even try to shame them for being at fault. Instead, try to view conflict as it really is. Every problem is an opportunity. If there is conflict, try to analyse the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties so as to come up with a solution that helps you both. Just seeing you trying to understand the situation in this light will be an encouragement to your partner to do the same.
Trying to 'Win' The Argument:
If people are focused on winning the argument it is the relationship that loses. The point of a discussion, disagreement or argument that arises in a relationship should be to come to a mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone's needs. You are focused on the wrong issue if you are making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view.
Character Assassination:
Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and accept they are allowed to make mistakes. Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. If your partner leaves stuff lying around don't look at it as a character flaw and label them inconsiderate and lazy. Often when a partner wants to discuss a problem they see as existing within the relationship they are labeled as needy, controlling or too demanding. This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the behaviour.
Stonewalling:
A partner may choose to be defensive in a most obstructive fashion Their partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship but these people stonewall, that is they refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This behaviour shows disrespect, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. Even if you find the situation difficult, it's much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.
Contempt:
Of all the defense behaviours that some people use against their partners when they should be being assertive, is contempt. Contempt can be the most damaging of all. Every person deserves respect, especially the person you have chosen as your partner. If you feel their action is contributing to your unhappiness you owe it to them to be assertive and to make them understand. If you treat them with contempt you destroy the last vestiges of a respectful relationship, and leave a residue of hurt.
What is assertiveness?
It is the direct, straightforward and honest communication of your beliefs, opinions, feelings, needs, and rights in a way that does not invalidate or violate the personal rights of others. Assertiveness involves standing up for your own rights, while acknowledging the rights of others, and working towards a positive outcome with a win-win solution. Assertiveness is different from non-assertiveness and aggressiveness.
What is non-assertiveness?
Non-assertiveness, passive acceptance or submissiveness is you allowing others to violate your rights by you regarding their needs, opinions and rights as more important than your own. Non-assertiveness shows a lack of respect for meeting your own needs, and almost inevitably leads to you having feelings of hurt, anxiety and anger.
What is aggressiveness?
It is aggressiveness rather than assertiveness that is the opposite of non-assertiveness. It involves expressing and pursuing one's rights, needs and opinions at the expense of the needs and feelings of others. This creates the impression of disrespect for the other person, making them hurt, anxious and angry. In effect, aggressive people are getting their your own way, no matter what other people think. This, in turn, can lead to people having less respect for the aggressive person. Nobody likes a bully.
How can being non-assertive affect my life and personal relationships?
Behaving or interacting in a non-assertive manner allows your own needs to go unmet which is in many ways detrimental to your life. A good example is when you allow family or friends to take up time you had set aside for other important things because by being non-assertive you might feel unable to say no. Another way non-assertiveness can affect your life would be where you believe, correctly, that you deserved more recognition and pay at work, but take the non-assertive approach of doing nothing about it. This could make the difference between feeling happy and respected in your work or feeling devalued. Finally, not asking for clarification of something you are unsure of can also be considered non-assertiveness. This could mean you miss out on some information that is vital in doing your job correctly or to the smooth running of your life.
How can being assertive improve my life?
Assertiveness can help you improve your communication skills, self-esteem, and decision-making ability. It can help you overcome shyness and anger. Feelings and ideas can be expressed in an honest way, allowing relationships to become much more genuine. The respect you show for other people can lead to others respecting you more. Assertiveness also gives you more control over your environment, reducing anxiety in difficult situations. Being assertive can lead to you having more time to spend on those things you want to do.
What does assertiveness look like?
The actual process of communicating assertively can vary depending on the situation and the thoughts you are trying to convey. At the most basic level, assertiveness can be a simple expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. For example, "I feel upset". Sometimes this is all you need to say. Empathic Assertiveness involves recognising the other person's situation or feelings. This is followed by a statement of your own feelings or rights. For example, "I can see you are finding this situation frustrating. I have also been getting a little frustrated by the whole thing". If in spite of your initial assertiveness, the other person continues to violate your rights then you need to act in such a way that the assertiveness becomes increasingly firm. After several basic assertive statements, you may even make mention of some resulting action on your part. In most cases, the message will eventually get through.
Assertiveness has to be owned.
You need to make it clear to the other person that what you are asserting is your need. This type of assertive communication about you is useful for expressing negative feelings. "I" language assertiveness as it is sometimes known involves three parts. The first is a description of the other person's behaviour that bothers you: "When I am continually pressured into going to going out instead of getting my work done ….…". The second is a description of how that behaviour affects you: "…It makes me feel as though my wishes are not being respected…" The third part is a description of what you want: "…So I'd prefer it if you would stop asking me to go, and allow me to get back to work."
Tips for being more assertive
Other situations where assertiveness is useful include:
Assertiveness can also be useful when dealing with criticism. While the non-assertive person may simply accept unwarranted criticism, and the aggressive person might become indignant, the assertive person may cope with the criticism in one of the following ways:
Fogging involves agreeing with the criticism, or agreeing in principle with the criticism, but maintaining your stance.
Negative assertion involves offering negative information about your self, while indicating acceptance of yourself.
Negative inquiry involves asking if the other person has any further criticism of you. This can lead to uncovering the underlying issue the person has with you.
It is important to remember that assertiveness, like anything else, requires practice before it becomes second nature. Practice quietly in your head. Practice in front of a mirror out loud. Practice with a friend. Try it with the person concerned. Review the outcome. Remember this is not a game or a trick that you are learning. You have the right to be assertive so as to have your rights and needs met, and to have a chance of having happy productive relationships in your life.