- Do You Take Your Anger Out On The Road And On Other Road Users -Road Rage?
- Should I Get My Hostilities Out? Should I Vent My Anger?
- Anger Is Not The Same As Stress - Ten Things To Know
- Self Help And Book Based Help For Anger Management
- Dealing With Difficult People
- Bullies, Narcissists and Snipers
- Overcoming Procrastination
- How Do I Get What I Want Without Getting Angry?
Do You Take Your Anger Out On The Road And On Other Road Users -Road Rage?
Until the downturn in the economy the papers were full of predictions of our roads becoming so snarled up with traffic that everyone would grind to a halt. Bigger lorries, longer buses, Chelsea tractors, boy racers, the roads seemed packed with aggressive vehicles and aggressive drivers. Every driver has their own particular nightmare road junction, roundabout or traffic queue which spoils their journey home from work and dominates their after-drive conversation. Whether you are an occasional driver or a regular commuter you will want to know what brings the bad driver in you and how to avoid becoming a victim (or perpetrator) of "road rage".
Road rage generally is thought of as a driver's aggressive acts taken out on other drivers. Some examples include showing a hand gesture, speeding, erratic overtaking, pushing in, tailgating, flashing headlights, yelling at other drivers, crossing stop signs or traffic lights, passing on the left, and weaving in and out of traffic. However, for some drivers road rage is much more serious leading to confrontation and injury. In the USA drivers are regularly reported as having used firearms or other weapons, and many used their car as a weapon against another driver. It is not as bad here, but the numbers of incidents continue to increase in both the USA and Britain.
Studies point not only to traffic congestion, but also to longer commutes to and from work, and the increase in the daily stresses of living in today's world as reasons for the increase and it seems reasonable to think that stressed drivers are more likely to engage in road-age.
But scientists are putting forward another reason for the behaviour of the angry, horn-blasting tailgater: A recent study by the National Institute of Mental Health suggests that about 5 of Americans may suffer from something they call "intermittent explosive disorder," characterized by angry outbursts or aggressive actions that are way out of proportion to the situation. They suggest a biological basis for the disorder as involving inadequate production of the mood regulating neurotransmitter serotonin. We meet up with low serotonin levels as causing mid-winter blues so the idea has some appeal. And antidepressant medications seems to be helpful. But the best strategies for avoiding road rage focus on prevention of the incidents: avoid driving at peak traffic times, if possible; allow plenty of time to get to where you're going so that you won't stress out if you get caught in worse-than-expected traffic; give other drivers plenty of room and keep your speed consistent with the flow of traffic; and play relaxing music or listen to something entertaining on the radio.
If a bad driver cuts you off, slow down and stay away! if you're being tailgated, resist the temptation to slow down even more, and just get out of the way. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself, "there's no sense in letting this (descriptive noun of choice) ruin my day", or "I'm in control of my reactions, and I can choose to remain calm and relaxed." Remind yourself that you're not in a competition, your goal is simply to arrive at your destination safely.
Also keep in mind, if there are passengers in your vehicle, that your unmanaged stress or anger takes a toll on them, if they become stressed, frightened, or angry at your behavior. Instead, enlist their help in calming down or distracting yourself, so that you can live to drive another day!
Should I get my hostilities out? Should I vent my anger?
Research suggests that men who make angry outbursts and are hostile to others are at a 10-30% greater risk of developing premature heart problems, including arrhythmia and stroke, than those men who are able or choose to remain calm. These are the findings published by the American Heart Foundation are from a 10 year study of nearly 3700 men and women who had previously showed no signs of heart disease.
This only underlines what most health and mental health professionals have long believed: venting your anger, or otherwise acting out aggressive, hostile feelings, is a very unhealthy way to relieve stress. Yet the common wisdom holds that it's good to get stuff off your chest, that you'll feel better if you let the anger out instead of keeping it bottled up inside.
Anger is not the same as stress: Ten things to know
- 1 It is not anger that builds up, but rather stress. Failing to express anger does not build up more anger.
- 2 Expressing anger does appear to relieve stress, but only temporarily - other stress relief strategies are more effective in the long run.
- 3 Anger is not instinctive, like the "Fight or Flight" stress response. It is actually a learned response, often learned at an early age.
- 4 Anger blocks our awareness of painful emotions (like fear, sadness, guilt, humiliation) or uncomfortable sensations (like fatigue, overwork, stress).
- 5 Being angry also blocks clear thinking and interferes with problem-solving.
- 6 Anger can help: it can give us energy and courage to frighten off a potential attacker, or defend ourselves from a threat to our survival or well-being. But those truly threatening situations are rare, or should be, in most of our lives. We should reserve our angry responses for those times.
- 7 We pay a price for anger: there are physical costs (like the risks of heart problems mentioned above) as well as social costs (like the loss of a friendship, or the good will in a business relationship).
- 8 The more you vent your anger, the less effective it is, because people around you will learn to ignore you, avoid you, or eventually, leave you.
- 9 There are more effective ways of relieving stress - exercise, stretching, deep breathing or progressive relaxation relieve physical tension without taking a toll on our health or our relationships.
- 10 More effective ways to deal with mental stress or threats to emotional well-being include: focusing on what is in your control, putting things in perspective, using positive self-talk or affirmations, re-framing, and meditating.
Self Help and Book Based Help for Anger Management
The following books are all excellent and available through any good book site.
Anger Hurts, by Matthew McKay, Judith McKay and Peter D. Rogers
The Anger Control Workbook, by Matthew McKay and Peter D. Rogers
Stop the Anger Now, by Ronald Potter-Efron
The Anger Workbook for Women, by Laura Petracek
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Is there someone in your life - a relative, a co-worker, a customer - who drives you nuts? Do you feel your blood pressure start to rise just thinking about that person? Can an encounter with him or her ruin your whole day? Or does it seem like you're simply surrounded by people who are impossible to get along with?
Nearly everyone can point to a particular person, or a situation involving certain individuals, which makes them want to tear their hair out or run out the door screaming. Usually it's not possible to run away, so we try different strategies to get along, or to get that person to leave us alone. When those strategies fail, we may end up with nightmares or ulcers, or even get into a fight or quit the job.
There is a better way! You can learn how to deal with those difficult people in your life without losing your sanity, your health, your relationships, or your job.
The first step is to understand the reasons for difficult behavior. For example, small children become difficult when they are tired, hungry, sick or uncomfortable (too hot, too wet). Children can also be difficult when they are bored, or have too much going on. Well, guess what? Fatigue, hunger, illness, physical discomfort, boredom and overstimulation are all causes of adult misbehavior, too. Some other reasons for misbehaving: looking for attention, wanting to be in control, or needing to feel powerful and important. Alcohol or drug abuse often leads to difficult behavior. Another cause of bad behavior is feeling threatened, e.g. one's "territory" is being encroached upon. And often people behave badly simply because they feel lonely, or misunderstood. But how to identify the cause of the difficult behavior?
As Yogi Berra said, "You can observe a lot by watching." Notice how the person reacts to other people, or at different times of the day. Is their behavior situational, or are they always difficult? Do certain things seem to set them off? What does their body language tell you? If you can't figure it out by watching what they do, then try listening to what they say. Listen "between the lines" to hear what they may be afraid to say.
Observing and listening also takes your focus off your own reactions, and will help you respond less defensively. Their hostility may have nothing to do with you! Even if you feel personally attacked, keeping in mind the reasons for their behavior can help you choose to not take it that way. If you feel threatened, try breathing deeply or counting to 10. If that doesn't help, tell the person you are feeling uncomfortable, and ask them to back away, or lower their voice. Sometimes people don't realize they are intimidating.
Listening patiently, without getting defensive, often goes a long way in dealing with difficult behavior. But some people are so difficult that nothing seems to work. Some people are just bullies, narcissists, and other truly difficult types of people.
BULLIES, NARCISSISTS AND SNIPERS .
Bullies Like the Lion in "The Wizard of Oz", most bullies are really cowards, who have learned to intimidate people as a way of getting what they want. The best way to stop bullying behavior is to stand up to it: calmly and firmly tell the bully to stop that behavior, let him or her know that this is not the way to get what s/he wants from you, and then say what you would be willing to do, if you were asked nicely. Easier said than done, I know!
If the bully is very intimidating, you may need to rehearse in advance how you will do it. Don't try to stand up to a bully alone if you're afraid of getting hurt - find some friends who are willing to join you. You should also report any bullying behavior at work to your boss (unless your boss is the bully, in which case you may need to seek advice from HR or someone in the organization to whom your boss will listen).
Narcissists In Roman mythology, Narcissus was a God who fell in love with his own reflection. Narcissists are self-absorbed people who crave attention, demand loyalty and devotion, and believe that their needs are not just more important than yours, but are truly the only needs that matter. The secret to getting along with a narcissist: make him look good. As long as your behavior, words and presence reflect favorably on the narcissist, all will be well, in fact you may find him to be a charming and entertaining person.
But never disagree with a narcissist, unless you are prepared suffer their wrath, or are ready to give up on the relationship. The only thing a narcissist hates more than being disagreed with is being ignored, so there's a chance you can stay in her good graces if you're willing to apologize profusely, agree with everything she says, and act like you're awed to be in her presence.
Snipers Otherwise known as Back Stabbers, these folks can be difficult to deal with because they are friendly and agreeable to your face, and will always deny any hostile intent, yet they find ways to attack you invisibly, or when you're not looking. The best way to deal with this passive-aggressive behavior is to surface the attack: that is, let the sniper know that you realize what's going on, and if you can, point out the sniping behavior as it's happening. This will likely make the sniper mad, but usually the attacks will diminish over time if you confront them calmly and consistently.
Recommendations for dealing with all types of difficult people are to : try to stay calm, take care of yourself, don't take their behavior personally, and don't expect them to change!
OVERCOMING PROCRASTINATION
(Procrastination is putting off till tomorrow, or the day after that those things you know you should want to do right now today)
We include this because procrastination is a fault people see in themselves that makes them and people around them angry.
Is procrastination one of your habits? Is it causing problems in your work, school or personal life? Would you like to do something about it, but keep putting it off because you don't know where to start?
First thing to do: stop beating yourself up. There may be valid reasons why you procrastinate, and until you know what they are, you may not be able to stop. Even if you know why you do it, berating yourself for being a loser or lazy or lacking willpower doesn't help, does it?
Here are a few of the reasons why people procrastinate, and some possible solutions:
- 1. Lack of motivation. Are you waiting until you're 'in the mood'? Don't! "Just do it", as the commercial says. The law of inertia says that when you're not moving, the hardest part is getting started, but once you've started the ball rolling, it will be much easier to keep going.
- 2. Lack of reward. Have you noticed that you're less likely to procrastinate on doing your taxes when you're expecting a big refund? Rewards are motivating! So think about how you can reward yourself for cleaning out the garage or writing that report.
- 3. Unpleasant or difficult tasks. Most people put these off, for obvious reasons. But putting it off won't make it any easier or more fun; it will just ruin the rest of your day (or week) thinking about it, so by the time you get to it you're REALLY crabby! Try to accept that a chore is just a chore, or focus on how much better you'll feel once it's done, and dive in.
- 4. Not enough time in the day. The busiest people I know seem to be better at getting things done. Their secret: break down big projects into little tasks that can be done in 15-minute increments. This works well for unpleasant tasks and difficult assignments, too.
- 5. Fear of failure or making mistakes. Being afraid to fail, or to not do something perfectly, can lead to paralysis. It may seem easier to do nothing than risk failure, but the truth is you risk failure anyway if your procrastination results in losing out on an opportunity or missing an important deadline. Rather than perfection, aim for progress, and be OK with "good enough." The man or woman who never made a mistake never made anything.
- 6. Lack of desire. The most common reason for procrastination: you don't want to do the task, period. So ask yourself, "what will happen if I don't do it?" If you can live with the answer ("not much", "feel slightly guilty") then you could decide not to do it. If, however, the consequence would be undesirable (bad grade or performance review), then try one of the above strategies to get the task done. Don't forget that letting yourself down is a negative consequence.
Sometimes there's a good reason for procrastinating: maybe you're just not ready, and need more time - to prepare, to research, to gather needed materials, or just to mull it over. Maybe it's something you never should have agreed to do in the first place - in which case your problem is not procrastination, but learning how to say "no".
There are several excellent books such as "The NOW Habit" by Neil Fiore;
or contact a life coach now.
How Do I Get What I Want Without Getting Angry?
We all have wants and needs without which we feel wretched, hurt and unloved. But getting angry with those around us only pushes them away and makes them all the more likely to act in a way that puts our wants and needs out of our reach. No one can appease the angry person because they fail to make clear exactly what it is they want. What many angry people fail to realize is that angriness is not the same thing as assertiveness. Assertiveness is the skill of knowing which wants and needs are reasonable and which we have the right to expect of others, and which are vital to our happy existence and being able to firmly make these known to other people. Assertiveness is born of good self esteem, and many angry people have had their self esteem damaged and undermined by others while growing up, or in later relationships at school, work or in romance.
Rebuilding self esteem aids the change from self righteous anger to right-full assertiveness. A good counselor or personal life coach can be of immense help in the task. Friends, colleagues and lovers will soon recognize the needs you become able to articulate, and at last they will know exactly where they are with you and what it is you want of them.
At Absolute Discretion Counselling Therapy we are well used to helping clients deal with their anger so as to help them and their close ones live a more contented life. Anger can get ordinary people into big trouble and result in the breakdown of relationships. Don't let it spoil your life.